


itchy feet and fading smiles

by silentsaebyeok



Series: Being Alive (is different than living) [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Don't copy to another site, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Mental Health Issues, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-23 02:59:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19142203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentsaebyeok/pseuds/silentsaebyeok
Summary: The tears were what got him, reminding Tony of that day. The day he worked tirelessly for seven months to reverse. The only other time, up until now, he had seen Peter cry. Had seen him this terrified. Tony had to remind himself that Peter wasn’t ash stuck in between his fingernails anymore. That he was a living, breathing person. A person who was currently hyperventilating from a panic attack in a back alley in Queens.--Tony realizes just how much Peter means to him, and how much it would hurt if he was gone for good.





	itchy feet and fading smiles

**Author's Note:**

> This is the 3rd part of a series. This work will make much more sense if you read the previous works first. :)  
> —  
> Content Warning: this work contains brief depictions of PTSD. Namely, panic attacks and dissociation. There are also vague mentions of past alcohol abuse and child abuse, as well as canon-typical violence. If you don't feel comfortable reading any of those things, consider yourself warned.  
> \--  
> The title of this work is taken from the lyrics of the song "Hey You" by Pink Floyd.

_“They cannot scare me with their empty spaces_

_Between stars—on stars where no human race is._

_I have it in me so much nearer home_

_To scare myself with my own desert places.”_

_\--an excerpt from the poem “Desert Places” by Robert Frost_

~~

“What the hell, Tony!?” Pepper all but screamed. “How can you say this is all for the best?! Peter just had a panic attack down there! How many times do I have to tell you?! A panic attack! And you weren’t there for him!”

Pepper had been yelling at him for the last forty minutes. If Tony was honest with himself, he knew he deserved it. The kid had come over expecting to work in the lab _with him_ , but he had brushed him off. Because he was a coward. Because he was scared of losing him again. Scared of getting so close to someone who could be gone in an instant. Dead without a body.

He didn’t realize how protective Pepper had become of the kid. It didn’t surprise him though. Peter could worm his way into even the coldest of hearts. That’s why he was avoiding him. He couldn’t let himself feel that parental sort of protectiveness for the kid again.

Tony rubbed his fingers against his temples, stress and anxiety and guilt all gnawing at him at once.

“See, you have nothing to say to that, Tony! Because you know you’re wrong! You know you’re hurting him, and you better get your act together or so help me God!”

Damn, she was relentless.

“Boss, May Parker has left you four voicemails.” The tinny Irish voice of his AI announced. “I suggest you call her back as soon as possible. She sounded very distressed.”

Banging a clenched and shaking fist on the table, Tony swore. He couldn’t deal with two angry, intimidating women right now. Not when they were both mad at him about the same thing. About the same stupid mistakes he kept making and the holes he kept digging for himself.

“I’ll leave you to it.” Pepper said. “I think you’ve found someone angrier than me.”

As Pepper left the room, Tony couldn’t help but be annoyed at her last remark. It dug under his skin for reasons unbeknownst to him.

“Patch her through, Friday.” He said with a sigh.

\--

After getting chewed out by May Parker for over an hour, he felt the need for a strong glass of scotch. Funny, he thought as he ventured to the wine cabinet and poured himself a glass, how his life went in cycles like this. Just when he thought he could quit drinking altogether, life decided to smack him in the face with a new set of problems.

He had actually been doing well there for a while. Before Thanos. Before those seven long, torturous months. The seven months from hell. The seven months when he and the other surviving members of the Avengers worked tirelessly to bring everyone back. Worked tirelessly through their grief. Alcohol was the only thing that kept him semi-sane then. Alcohol and Pepper. The only things he had on his side.

He couldn’t believe she still wanted to marry him. How the engagement hadn’t been called off by now, he didn’t know. But he had screwed up beyond all belief this time. Tony wouldn’t have been surprised if she stormed back into the penthouse right this instant and threw the ring at his feet. With the way she yelled at him today… he could take May Parker yelling at him, but Pepper? Even when she was mad at him it was never like this. Not like today.

It was because the kid was involved. It always came back to the kid.

Tony felt like a failure. A loser. He should have just bit the bullet and dealt with all _this_ from the get-go. But if Anthony Edward Stark was anything, he was a master at avoiding his problems until they boiled over, and the scalding-hot water ruined everything in its wake. He knew he deserved it; the tongue-lashings both Pepper and May gave him. But he couldn’t just reach out to Peter now, could he? He knew the kid must resent him by now.

With that thought, a horrible sense of clarity came over Tony. _He was just like his father._ Emotionally absent. Harsh and unforgiving. He poured himself another glass of scotch.

He felt strung out and tired. Tired of trying to reason with himself. With his failures. There were too many of them. And perhaps his greatest failure of all was the boy who had a panic attack in his lab today. That was the real reason he was up in the penthouse drinking scotch. He didn’t want to go down to the lab and be remined of what happened earlier. Of his worst failure. He told the kid long ago—right before he had to go save his ass in that ferry fiasco—he was trying to break the cycle of shame. And now look at him! He couldn’t even be there for a kid who was clearly hurting. Peter was a better hero, a better human being than all the Avengers combined. But Tony… he was a failure.

_“My dad never really gave me a lot of support. I’m just trying to break the cycle of shame.”_

Tony let out a sigh. Deciding two glasses of scotch was probably enough—Pepper would kill him if he got drunk at a time like this—he decided to face at least one fear and venture down to the lab. There was no point in trying to sleep right now. He had too much on his mind. And besides, Pepper already angrily told him she wouldn’t be sleeping with him tonight. There was no denying he deserved that.

Down in the lab, he got out the iron spider suit. He had been doing repairs and making upgrades on it ever since Peter gave it back to him. He knew the kid said he didn’t want it, but he was Tony Stark. If the kid ever wanted it back, it would be better equipped than it was originally.

Ugh. The kid. He didn’t know what to do about this situation. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to be in Peter’s life, he absolutely did. But he was scared. Terrified. He couldn’t lose him again. Those seven months were hell on earth. Even just knowing that Peter was out there living his life right now gave him some sort of comfort.

But was he really living? From the sounds of it—and from how angry Pepper had been—he wasn’t. He wasn’t okay after Titan and he wasn’t living. He had a panic attack in his lab. May had come to him to find a therapist for him. Tony realized he didn’t even know if Peter had been going to the therapist. He didn’t even know if the therapist was helping.

Sighing and rubbing his temples for what felt like the twentieth time today, Tony said, “Friday, link me up to Peter’s phone and watch. Oh, and Karen while you’re at it.”

“Yes, boss.”

Information immediately scrolled across the nearest screen. Peter’s vitals were within normal parameters and he was currently in his apartment and had been since Happy had taken him home earlier that day. As Tony sifted through the sludge of past locations and vital signs, he realized something.

“Friday, I told you to connect me to Karen.”

“I did, boss. Karen hasn’t been activated since April 27, 2018.”

Tony spluttered a little at that. _That was Titan._ That was ten months ago.

“You mean to tell me the kid hasn’t gone patrolling at all in the past three months?” Tony said slightly incredulously.

“That is correct, boss.”

“Well, alert me if he activates the suit. I want to know the second he gets back in that thing.”

\--

It turned out that Tony didn’t have to wait for long. A few days later, as he was looking through some paperwork for the Stark Relief Foundation, the voice of his AI interrupted him. “Boss, Mr. Parker has put on his suit. I am now connected to Karen.”

 _Huh. That was fast. Maybe the kid was getting better after all._ “Thank you, Friday.” He said, turning back to his paperwork.

A few hours later, just as the sun was beginning to set, Tony was interrupted from his copious amount of paperwork by a knock at his office door. Surprisingly, Pepper was the one standing there. He had been avoiding her wrath and fury the past few days, and it seemed she had been avoiding him too—probably to keep herself from getting involved in another yelling match, Tony mused.

“How did the meeting with the shareholders go?” Tony asked. Despite being at odds with each other at the moment, he still knew her daily schedule.

“Good.” Pepper said, voice slightly colder than usual. “I’m here to remind you Rhodey will be arriving in just a few minutes to discuss the Dusting Injury Compensation Fund.”

“Friday could have tol—”

“You forgot to put it in your schedule, Tony.” Pepper interrupted, sounding annoyed.

“Well, good thing I have you. Alright. You can go.” He said, waving her off.

As the clicking of Pepper’s heels faded into the background, Tony began to dread the ridiculous problems he would have to work through in his upcoming meeting with Rhodey. In the immediate aftermath of Thanos, setting up the Dusting Injury Compensation Fund had been a good distraction from thinking about all that was lost, but what he didn’t account for was that getting everyone back would cause just as many problems as had happened when half the planet was dusted. It was chaos. People reappeared in the middle of busy intersections, in hospital beds taken by other patients, in airplanes that didn’t exist anymore.

The truth was, Tony didn’t want to be at the helm of the fund anymore. It was causing him too many migraines. Besides, Stark Industries was back up and running at its full capacity, and he couldn’t run the R&D department with this disastrous project staring him in the face. That’s why he was meeting with Rhodey. The man had agreed to take it over and the two of them had been meeting regularly to work out the logistics of transferring a fund to someone else.

“Boss,” his AI said, interrupting his thoughts, “Mr. Parker has been stabbed in the left hip and requires immediate medical attention.”

 _What?_ Tony felt a huge sense of emotional whiplash at Friday’s declaration, going from relatively calm to terrified within the span of a second. His veins turned to ice and he was on his feet in an instant, anxiety and heart rate rapidly skyrocketing. This couldn’t be happening. Peter was supposed to be safe. He was supposed to be okay. Thanos was over. Titan was over. The stones were gone.

“Give me his location, Fri.” He said, running frantically through the halls of the compound.

Entering the lobby, he tapped the housing unit on his chest and the suit began to form around him. His only coherent thought was _get to Peter, get to Peter, get to Peter_.

Once he was out of the compound and flying through the open sky towards Peter’s location, he asked Friday to connect with Karen’s vital sensors. He didn’t know how bad Peter’s wound was. He didn’t know if he was bleeding out on the pavement or going into shock.

“It appears that Karen’s vital sensors have been damaged in the altercation with the criminal.”

 _Well, shit._ Peter could be dying, and he had no way of knowing.

And suddenly, forcefully, Tony realized all at once how stupid he was. How stupid he was to push Peter away when he had just returned. How stupid he was to take their relationship for granted. And now he might not have a second chance with the kid. Hell, he had _already used_ his second chance. Peter was likely dying, and a part of him knew this wouldn’t have happened had he actually been there for the kid.

How had he allowed it to get to this point? How had he not noticed what he’d done. He had failed the kid in the worst way possible. He thought Titan was the definition of his failure, but this—this complete rejection and utter denial of one of the most important people in his life was far worse.

Once he composed himself as best he could, he told Friday to at least connect him to Peter so he could talk to him, keep him calm.

Tony wasn’t sure if the calming was for Peter, or for himself.

It didn’t work either way. Peter was sobbing incoherently on the other line, and no matter how hard he tried to get through to the kid, he didn’t seem to notice that Tony was there. He had no idea why Peter was crying like that. No idea what sort of thing would illicit that severe of a reaction from the kid. If he was being honest with himself, it terrified him.

Eventually he touched down in a grimy New York City alley. He found the kid slumped haphazardly against a dirty-looking wall, blood pooling on the ground by his left hip. But that wasn’t the most disturbing part. Peter was attempting to curl into himself despite his injury, arms wrapped around his torso and body shaking like a leaf. The kid was still sobbing too, wet patches staining his mask.

He had to calm the kid down. There was no way he could get him any form of medical attention when he was like this. Tony looked around despite knowing no one was there before pulling off the kid’s mask. Peter had his eyes squeezed shut. In pain or fear, Tony didn’t know. His nose and eyes were red, and tears stained his face.

The tears were what got him, reminding Tony of _that day_. The day he worked tirelessly for seven months to reverse. The only other time, up until now, he had seen Peter cry. Had seen him this terrified. Tony had to remind himself that Peter wasn’t ash stuck in between his fingernails anymore. That he was a living, breathing person. A person who was currently hyperventilating from a panic attack in a back alley in Queens. At least he thought it was a panic attack. Hoped even. If this was his reaction to the pain, he didn’t know how he was going to transport him anywhere.

“Peter.” Tony said, gently tapping his cheek with a gauntlet covered hand. “Look at me kid.”

His eyes fluttered open, glassy and lifeless as they shifted to Tony’s face. Something within them wasn’t fully registering the situation at hand, Tony could tell. The kid was still hyperventilating, tears still welling up in his eyes.

“I need you to calm down, Peter. Can you do that for me?” Tony continued, keeping his voice as calm and reassuring as he could.

“No. No. It’s happening again. I can’t—I can’t I—” Peter moaned, still seemingly unaware of Tony.

Tony noticed him clenching and unclenching his shaking hands over and over again. “Friday, what we looking at here?” He finally said, realizing he wasn’t going to get through to the kid.

“Mr. Parker seems to be experiencing a panic attack.”

“Yeah, Fri. I got that.” He ground out. Trying to stay calm, trying to keep _himself_ from going into a full-blown panic attack. “I meant physically. What are his vitals?”

Tony activated his suit’s mask so he could look at Peter’s vital display as Friday relayed the basic information to him.

“Mr. Parker has sustained a puncture wound to the left hip. He is also experiencing a sudden drop in blood pressure and a very rapid heart rate. I believe he is going into shock. Immediate medical treatment is highly advised.”

 _Shit._ “How long will it take me to fly back to the compound from here?”

“At maximum speed it will take approximately four minutes and forty-seven seconds.” Friday replied, and Tony thanked every deity he could think of that he reinstalled his advanced rocket thrusters into his suit.  

“Okay, okay. Alert Bruce to the situation. Tell him to have a med team ready as quickly as possible.”

After hearing Friday’s affirmative, he turned back to Peter, tapping his cheek again, this time with a little more force. “Kid. Peter. You gotta snap out of it, buddy. I have to get you back to the compound.” Tony was worried. Peter was much paler and clammier than he was just a few minutes ago, and he seemed to be even more out of it than before.

After almost a whole tense and painful minute of cajoling, Peter finally seemed to be pulled out of his head and alerted to his presence. “Mis’r S’ark?”

“The one and only, kiddo.”

“Mis’r S’ark, I feel weird.” Peter slurred.

“I bet you do. Listen, kid. I need you to stay calm, okay? I have to transport you back to the compound as quickly as possible, and to do that, I’m gonna need to pick you up.”

“Mmm. Okay.”

“It’s gonna hurt, kiddo.” Tony said, apologetically and a little remorseful.

“Already hurts.” Peter mumbled; eyes closed.

“I’m sorry, buddy.” Tony said, unsure what thing on his long list of grievances he was apologizing for in the first place.

Picking the spider-kid up and arranging him in his arms without hurting him more wasn’t any easy task, but to Peter’s credit, he didn’t complain at all, only grunting in pain a few times. It unnerved Tony. He wasn’t sure if he was so out of it that he hardly realized what was going on, or if he was trying to hide his pain from Tony.

Another pang of guilt lanced across Tony’s chest at that thought. Peter wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place if he had been there for the kid, but he made it clear on multiple occasions that he didn’t want to talk to Peter. He wouldn’t be surprised if the kid blamed himself for it now that he thought about it, and that made him feel at least ten times more guilty than he did a second ago.

“Pete? I need you to use your special sticky powers to adhere to my suit, okay? I don’t want you slipping from my arms.”

Peter’s only reply was a low moan, and he made no move to stick to Tony’s suit.

 _Damnit._ “Come on, kid.” He said a little desperately.

“Boss?” Friday interrupted. “You need to get going. According to my sensors, Mr. Parker is slipping further into shock.”

Tony didn’t need another warning. He shot into the sky, hoping and praying he wouldn’t drop the kid.

\--

Back at the compound’s medbay, it was chaos. Bruce and the rest of the med team whisked Peter away the second Tony’s repulsors turned off. The man was honestly a little surprised he didn’t end up dropping the kid at the speed he was going. It was the second time that night he thanked every deity he could possibly think of.

Now though, he was standing in the hallway next to the closed medbay doors. Feeling lost and forlorn. He wondered if he was on the edge of a panic attack, especially when he looked down at his gauntlet clad hands and saw Peter’s blood staining the metal of the armor.

They didn’t let him in. They didn’t let him go in the medbay and sit next to Peter. Something about getting him stabilized. Something about surgery. But by then his ears were ringing so loudly and he couldn’t focus on what was being said.

He needed to call May. He needed to pull himself together and tell her what was going on. But he didn’t know if he could face her at the moment. Her fury at his past actions was still fresh in his mind. No doubt she would blame him for this. No doubt she would never allow him to see the kid again.

Suddenly, Tony was very aware he was standing alone in the hallway with blood-covered armor on. He tapped his chest and the nanites of his suit crawled back into the housing unit. He would clean off the blood later. He already knew he deserved a death sentence for his actions, but if he didn’t call May Parker as soon as possible, he’d have to alert the executioner.

Turning on his heel to go have this dreaded conversation somewhere more private, Tony was surprised to see Rhodey rushing toward him. He suddenly realized that in all the havoc, he’d completely forgot about the meeting he had scheduled with the man.

Rhodey looked down at the phone held in Tony’s grasp and saw May’s name on the display. “I already called his aunt.” He informed him, slightly out of breath from rushing to the medbay.

Tony visibly sagged in relief. He knew the conversation with May wouldn’t be pleasant regardless, but he was sure he’d be able to handle the woman better once he saw that Peter was going to be okay with his own two eyes.

“Wait.” Tony said, rounding on Rhodey. “How do you know what’s going on? What did you tell her? Is she coming right now?” He choked out, questions firing off in rapid succession.

“Calm down, Tones.” Rhodey placated, lifting his hands in the air as if to surrender. “When I showed up at your office and you weren’t there, Friday told me what was going on. I called his aunt because I realized you were probably too busy to do so.”

A look of gratitude crossed Tony’s features. The unspoken words of _I called her because I knew you wouldn’t want to_ hung in the air.

“And I told her he was injured on patrol. And that you were saving him.” Rhodey continued. “And of course she’s coming right now. Her nephew is in the hospital, Tony.”

Tony could have thanked Rhodey, could have given him a hug and told him he was the best friend anyone could have asked for, but he already encountered too many emotionally straining situations today, and if he extended himself any further he was sure he would throw up.

Instead, he sank into a chair perched expectantly outside the closed medbay doors and put his face in his hands. Once Rhodey sank into the chair next to him, he asked the man if Happy went to pick May up.

“No. She insisted on driving. You know how she is.” Rhodey replied.

Tony sighed. Of course he knew how May was. It had been made clear to him from the moment she called him angrily about a week after Peter’s disastrous homecoming, and it had been reaffirmed many times since.

As Tony’s thoughts wandered further and further down the path of self-deprecation, the man and his friend fell into an uneasy, tense silence. Tony wondered for the thousandth time how he could have let this happen. How he could have been naïve enough to think that Peter was safe, that nothing could happen to him because he got the kid back already. Because he distanced himself from him. But he had no idea what was going on in there. He had no idea if Peter was bleeding out or if they managed to get his shock under control.

After what felt like hours of sitting in silence. Silence spent stewing on what could have been. Silence spent waiting, hoping and praying for Peter to be okay, the doors to the medbay opened. Tony jerked his head up to find a disheveled looking Bruce standing there.

“Bruce.” He said, breathless and unsure how he was standing with his knees shaking so badly. “Give me some good news.”

“Sit, Tony.” The man said, gesturing to the chair he had just vacated. His voice sounded strained and tired.

Tony obliged, if only to get this over with faster.

“He’s going to be okay.” Bruce said, face kind but tired, and Tony was eternally grateful he just cut to the chase. “The wound was deep, nicked his external iliac artery, but we were able to fix it. With the help of his crazy healing abilities, of course. That’s why he went into shock. He was losing too much blood.”

“But you fixed it?” Tony asked, hardly able to process anything Bruce was saying after hearing the kid was going to be okay.

“Yes. We had to preform surgery, and he shouldn’t be putting any weight on his hip for the next few days, but he’ll be okay.” Bruce answered putting a hand on Tony’s shoulder.

“Can I go see him now?” Tony asked, surprised at how unstable his voice sounded, even to his own ears.

Bruce nodded. “He hasn’t come out of the anesthesia yet, and I have him on some pretty heavy painkillers, but it will be good for someone to be there when he wakes up.”

Tony shot to his feet. “Thank you, Bruce. Just—thank you.”

\--

Tony had been sitting with Peter for about fifteen minutes when May called and said she was about twenty minutes away. He still didn’t understand why she wanted to drive herself all the way from Queens in busy Friday evening traffic, but he supposed Peter’s worry of inconveniencing others had to come from somewhere.

As it was, he was just content to sit by Peter’s side and hold his hand. Brushing his thumb across the unconscious boy’s knuckles, Tony thought miserably about everything that went wrong in the past few hours. It was all his fault. Peter deserved better, and he was bound and determined to try his best from here on out. He was just hoping the kid would forgive him.

A low groan from the kid drew him out of his thoughts. Eyes snapping to Peter’s face, he found the kid’s face scrunched up in pain, eyes roaming beneath their lids. Tony sure didn’t like the thought of the kid in pain while he was still asleep. He made a mental note to ask Bruce if he was on the maximum dose of painkillers.

“I’m cold.” Peter moaned; eyes still firmly closed. Tony wondered if the kid was even awake.

“You’re cold, Pete?” He asked, tucking the hand he’d been holding back under the covers.

“Mmmm. Blanket.” Peter slurred.

“You want another blanket?” Tony said, trying to keep the laughter out of his voice. The kid already had three warm blankets piled on top of him; he was surprised he wasn’t sweating, honestly.

“Mmmm. Cold.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll get you another blanket.” He chuckled, pushing Peter’s call button. He never wanted to leave the kid’s side again if he could help it.

When the nurse came in and draped the toasty-warm blanket across Peter’s body, the kid sighed in contentment.

“It’s common for patients on IV fluids to get cold easily.” The nurse informed him.

Tony nodded in understanding. “Can’t you put him in some scrubs or something? That flimsy gown doesn’t seem to offer much in terms of warmth.”

“Unfortunately, I can’t. We need to be able to access his wound easily, and the best way to do that is to have him wear a gown.” The nurse said apologetically. “I can get him another pair of socks, though.”

Once Peter was situated with four blankets and three pairs of socks, he finally seemed comfortable enough to fall back into a deeper sleep, unconsciously curling around the new sources of warmth.

Tony found himself keeping vigil at the kid’s side even when it was clear he was out for good this time. His thoughts were running wild and he really didn’t want to deal with an angry May Parker at the moment, but he supposed he deserved it for all his stupidity the past few months.

How had he been able to so easily brush off her anger at him? How had he been able to justify his actions for so long? He supposed hindsight was twenty-twenty, but it didn’t really matter, because the damage was done. It was staring him in the face. It was the bright, exuberant kid passed out in a hospital bed because he was too cowardly to do the right thing.

Luckily, he didn’t have the chance to ruminate on his self-destructive thoughts for much longer, as May burst through the door of Peter’s hospital room. The woman didn’t even spare him as much as a glance. Instead, she went straight for the chair set up on the other side of Peter’s bed.

After spending a few minutes kissing his knuckles and stroking his head—a scene which Tony felt like he was intruding upon—she finally acknowledged his presence. “Doctor Banner gave me the details.” She said, looking Tony squarely in the eye. “Has he come to at all?”

“He woke up for just a minute to tell me he was cold.” Tony answered, trying—and failing—to smile. “That’s why he has so many blankets on.” He didn’t tell her about the socks.    

A ghost of a smile crossed May’s face at that statement, but the lines of worry in between her eyes didn’t fade. After a moment, she turned back to her nephew, gently brushing sweaty strands of hair out of his eyes. Tony really needed to get a nurse in here to wash his hair.

When May didn’t say anything more, a strange silence descended upon the room. Tony wasn’t sure why the woman hadn’t started yelling at him yet, but he supposed she understood proper bedside manner. He didn’t know what to do in this strange situation. He didn’t want to get up and leave, both for fear of her retaliation and because the thought of leaving Peter’s side at the moment unnerved him, but he needed to say something. Do something.

“Look, May.” He finally said, throat constricting, mouth dry. “I’m sorry. For everything. For pushing him away.”

Her piercing gaze found him again, and Tony had a sneaking suspicion she could see straight into his soul. “I know.” She said simply.

Those weren’t the words he expected to come out of her mouth. He expected her to berate him, to scold and chastise him. Feeling the need to explain himself better, Tony said, “I thought he was going to— I just… I didn’t realize I already used my second chance.”

May was looking at him strangely again, a contemplative look taking up residence on her face. After a long moment, she spoke. “Well, now you are here for him. You can begin to make things right. I don’t understand this world. I don’t understand his need to be a hero, or what cost that comes at. But you do. That’s why he needs you. You understand a part of him I can’t even begin to comprehend.”

Long after he left the medbay for his personal residence, long after climbing into bed for the night, Tony thought about May’s words. He finally understood why she hadn’t yelled at him, why she wasn’t upset with him any longer. Because he vowed to be there for Peter. No matter what.

\--

The next morning, after getting some sleep to ease his stress a little, Tony headed back down to the medbay. Friday informed him that May had been directed to a guest room to spend the night and had been asleep since three seventeen a.m. Realizing that the woman would not be waking up any time soon, he decided to sit with Peter. The kid hadn’t awoken at all since the ‘cold incident’ and Tony knew he would be confused when he _really_ came back to the land of the living.

Entering Peter’s room, he found a familiar nurse changing his bandages and adjusting his infusion pump. “How’s he doing?” He asked.

“His wound is healing nicely.” She said, gathering the old bandages and used IV bag into her hands. “There’s no sign of infection and the deepest tissues have already sealed themselves up entirely.” Despite the fact that this woman had been part of the Avenger’s medical staff for years now, Tony still noted the amazement in her voice at Peter’s healing abilities.

“We still have him on some pretty potent pain meds.” She continued. “But he will probably wake up within the hour.”

“Thank you.” Tony said as she exited the room.

Sitting in the chair next to Peter’s bed, Tony took his hand in his own, careful of the IV taped to the back of his hand. “Come on, spider-kid. You gotta wake up. You just about gave me a heart-attack yesterday. You know that right? _And_ I have a preexisting heart condition.”

“Sorry.” Peter muttered, eyes fluttering open.

“Kid!” Tony said, jumping in his seat a little. “Have you been awake this whole time?”

“I think so. Hard to sleep when the nurses keep coming in and out.” Peter said, eyes returning to half-mast, the end of his sentence dropping off into a mumble.

Tony noted how tired Peter’s voice sounded and felt a little bad for keeping the kid awake, but they needed to have a serious conversation, pain meds or not. “How are you feeling, kiddo?” He prompted.

“I’m fine.”

“Really, spider-baby? You expect me to believe that? You’re in the hospital for God’s sake!”

“S’not a hospital.” Peter whined. “S’the compound medbay.”

“Oh, good. You know where you are. You’re not too delirious.” Tony said, rolling his eyes. “Now, you want to wise up and tell me how you really feel, or am I gonna have to get Bruce in here to give me all the gory details?”

Peter fixed Tony with a ridiculous glare that couldn’t hurt a fly and Tony had to hold back the smile that wanted to make itself known. It didn’t help that Peter could barely keep his eyes open and looked drugged to high hell. “Come on, Pete. The deets.”

Peter’s puppy dog glare gave way to an expression of mortification and Tony would be lying if he didn’t admit he was a little satisfied his use of teenage slang got under the kid’s skin.

“Mr. Stark!” The kid whined, and when Tony fixed Peter with a hopefully much more intimidating glare, he relented. “Fine.” Peter huffed. “I feel tired and weird. And my hip hurts.”

“According to Bruce the knife went all the way to the bone, so it’s gonna hurt for a few more days, even with your ridiculous super healing. And you had to have surgery on your iliac artery.” Tony paused, feeling the familiar lump return to his throat. “You almost bled out, kid.” He added somberly.

“I—I did?” Peter asked, voice much smaller and more unsure than before.

“Yeah. You went pretty far into shock. Because of the amount of blood you lost.” And suddenly Tony found his Oxfords very interesting.

“I don’t remember.” Peter said after a few moments of deafening silence.

Looking back at Peter’s stricken face, Tony said, “Yeah, that’s what happens when you go into shock.”

“No. I mean, I don’t remember getting stabbed.”

Tony sighed and aggressively rubbed at his face, trying to get the pang of fear that came with that statement under control. “Peter, what was going on back there? We need to talk about this, kid. You don’t just _forget_ you were stabbed.”

“I think—I think I was dissociating? I don’t know….”

“Friday said you were having a panic attack.”

“Could’ve been that too.” Peter mumbled, gaze flitting from Tony’s face to his hands. They were shaking, and Tony noticed Peter’s drip line swaying because of it.

He wanted to berate the kid for going out in the suit when he clearly wasn’t in the right headspace to do so, but he knew that was a bad move considering he was the one who ignored the struggling teen for three months.

“Look, Peter.” He said, placing a steady hand on top of Peter’s shaking ones. “Regardless if it was a panic attack or dissociation or whatever, there is no need to be ashamed. We just need to work through some things before you can go out patrolling again, okay?”

“We?” Peter asked, slightly incredulous. He lifted his eyes back up to meet Tony’s, and the man found an unmistakable fire burning in them despite the slightly glazed look the pain medication put on his face. “Last time I checked, you threw money and a therapist at my aunt and told me to get better on my own!”

 _Shit._ Tony knew he shouldn’t have been surprised. He knew he deserved every ounce of hatred this kid could muster. But he _was_ surprised. He’d never seen Peter so angry before. Yet, as the shock at Peter’s words wore off, he couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of guilt. A kind of guilt that cut him to the core. He had failed this kid. He had failed him in so many ways over the past few months, and he was honestly a little scared of unearthing more things—more ways the kid was worse off because of him. How could he have honestly thought Peter would have been better without him? How could he have done this? Pepper and May’s scathing rebukes were ringing in his ears.

“Mr. Stark?” Peter said, interrupting his thoughts. “I’m sorry. I just—sometimes—”

“No, kid.” He said, cutting him off, not wanting to hear him continue to apologize for a completely reasonable outburst. “I’m the one who should be sorry. And I am. For ignoring you. For not being there. For all of it. And if I need to find a way to prove that to you, I will.”

Peter was looking at him like he had grown two heads. “You already have.” Peter said. And when the confusion must have shown on Tony’s face he added, “You saved me last night. I think that’s more than enough proof.”

And for the first time since he got the kid back, Tony felt like he’d done something right. Something good. For the first time since Thanos, since _that day_ , he felt like his life wasn’t a failure. Like he wasn’t a derailed train, all the passengers and cargo screaming for help. Somehow, through fear and cowardice, Anthony Edward Stark had forgotten what was most important to him. But now he remembered. He remembered and there was no way anyone was going to take that away from him.

“I love you, Mr. Stark.” Peter slurred, eyes closed and face slack. He looked more relaxed than he had at any point since Tony found him sobbing in a Queens alley, and the man wasn’t sure if that was the pain meds talking, or just pure Peter.

It didn’t matter, though. Tony knew without a shadow of a doubt how he would answer that declaration from here on out.

“I love you too, kiddo.”

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned for pt. 4 from Peter's point of view! This series isn't over yet, and there is much more irondad to come! :)  
> \--  
> I need to acknowledge two wonderful people who helped me with the areas of this fic I was inadequate in. First, I want to thank [MandalorianDragonTrainer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MandalorianDragonTrainer/pseuds/MandalorianDragonTrainer) for helping me with Pepper's characterization! She's a Pepper expert, and you guys should check out her Pepperony fics! Secondly, I need to give a big thanks to [veritascara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/veritascara/pseuds/veritascara) for helping me greatly with the medical aspects of this work. I don't know much about medicine and I couldn't have done it without her help! If you are in the Star Wars Rebels fandom, you should check out her great fics!  
> \--  
> I also want to acknowledge that everyone's experiences with mental illness are different. This work is solely based off my own.  
> \--  
> Finally, if you liked this fic, please leave a comment and tell me what you thought! You can also find me on Tumblr @silentsaebyeok if you want to talk with me, listen to me talk about my writing and fill your feed with Marvel and Star Wars content. Thanks for reading! :)


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